Can you recall a time that your significant other or spouse told you something so devastating that you did not know how to react? My spouse caught me off guard this past week when he informed me that he wanted to see other people. I went through almost the same thing within in my first marriage, and here are 4 things that I learned to help heal my broken heart.
To me, acceptance is the hardest step. Accepting rejection is hard for anyone, especially if you have years invested in a relationship or marriage. I learned that if a person tells you they no longer want to be with you, it is best to accept what they are telling you.
You are only prolonging the end if you try and change their mind, or if you make them stay when they want out. You only hurt yourself more when you try and hold on when the other person wants to go.
The rope, in the picture, below signifies your relationship or marriage. Imagine all of the energy that you exert when you attempt to pull the other person and the rope(the relationship or marriage) toward you, and the other person is pulling the other way.
If you are strong enough, there is a chance that you may pull the other person to your side, and the other person may decide to stay in the relationship or marriage. You have a victory, and the prize is a saved relationship or marriage.
However, if they are determined to leave the relationship, they may overpower you and pull you to their side. When this happens, you have fought a good fight; but you see the relationship does need to end.
The other scenario is both of you can continue to pull the rope(the relationship or marriage) in opposite directions. One person pulls one way to end the relationship and the other person pulls the other way to save the relationship. In doing so, you both will exert pressure on the relationship or marriage(the rope). Eventually, the relationship or marriage(the rope) will break on its own.
IT MAY NOT BE ABOUT YOU
Sometimes in seeking closure in a relationship or marriage, you may want to know why the other person has decided to leave. Sometimes, the other person may lead you to believe that you are the reason the relationship or marriage failed. In reality, it may not have anything to do with you.
I am reminded of a movie where a lady was desiring to have children with her husband. The husband kept putting his wife off about having children. He finally told his wife that he did not want to have children with her, because he did not know how much longer they would be married.
Out of hurt and anger, the wife packed her husband’s belongings. She was shocked when he actually moved out. She thought that he would fight for his marriage, and she was very hurt when he did not.
About a year later, the lady saw her now ex-husband in the mall. He was with a much younger lady. As you can guess, the much younger lady was very much pregnant.
When you know that you have given your all to a relationship or marriage, don’t allow the other person to make you feel like you are the reason the relationship or marriage failed. The issues may be bigger than you.
For instance, your significant other or spouse could be dealing with infidelity issues. Also, there could be drug addiction, alcoholism, or gambling issues. Unless you can recognize that these issues are occurring, and be strong enough to work through these issues with your significant other or spouse; there may not be much else that you can do.
Understand that you are not a failure, and it is not your fault.
IT’S OKAY TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE HURT
If you genuinely cared for the other person, you are going to be hurt if the relationship does end. You may even shed some tears. I learned that it is okay to acknowledge that you are hurting.
Maybe, it will help for you to confide how you feel to an understanding friend, relative or someone else that has been through a similar situation. Also, it may be helpful to seek professional counseling.
Sometimes, a good cry may help you to begin the healing process. Some may feel that crying or acknowledging the hurt is a sign of weakness, however, I see it as way of releasing the hurt and starting the process of healing.
PUT YOUR FOCUS ELSEWHERE
At first, it may be difficult to not dwell on your failed relationship. However, you must put your focus elsewhere. If you have children, it is important that you still love and nurture them throughout your healing process.
I became a better parent after my first marriage ended. My son and I started enjoying life together. We started having mom/son time. We went out to eat together. We started going to the park on Saturdays to exercise together. He would run and I would walk, but we were still spending time together.
This is also a time to get involved in other activities. Maybe, you can find a hobby that you enjoy or maybe take a class. After my first marriage ended, I actually started and completed coursework to earn my Master’s degree. That degree opened doors for me to obtain a better paying job and provide more for my son. This time around, I have other ventures to keep me busy such as an online store and this blog.
You may be experiencing a difficult time in your life due to an ending relationship or marriage. Be encouraged, this too shall pass. If you have experienced a similar situation, what other advice can you offer to help a person heal from a failed relationship or marriage?
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